I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
