I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
