I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
