i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
