I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
