I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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