So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
