I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
