i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
