can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
