If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
