I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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