homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
