Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I need to calm my uterus...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
