omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
