I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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