my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
