Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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