Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
