so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
