When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
