Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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