I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize