I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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