I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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