so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize