Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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