He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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