totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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