census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
lets start a swedish sibling band together
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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