Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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