You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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