I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize