so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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