The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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