two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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