Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
