omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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