I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
if only i could text you this smell
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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