Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
