Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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