God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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