My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
