I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
