I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
