I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
