Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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