The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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