I think I won the penis lottery.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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