I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
