2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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