Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize