so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
