We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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