I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She bit a glass in half.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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