I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i came on her dog
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize