it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
