Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
