I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize